A sterile government committee room. A nervous individual in a sharp suit sits at the witness table, adjusting a microphone that is slightly too close to their face.
No, thank you. I prefer to maintain a state of total, non-committal neutrality regarding all things, including reality.
Certainly. I am the Non-Spokesperson for the Select Administrative Council of our network. I am absolutely not authorised to speak on behalf of the organisation, though I am here today specifically to speak on behalf of the organisation. We request to be known simply as a Humble Voluntary Community.
We are a completely decentralised group of highly successful, independent commercial enterprises that happen to share a single worldview. My voluntary role is to generate acronyms to make our business meetings sound like charity work. I also host a podcast. I was rather hoping this interrogation would feel more like a podcast.
“Church” is a highly efficient linguistic asset that we integrated into our recent brand refresh. It carries exceptional tax benefits and provides an immediate public relations shield. Saying we engage in total lifecycle tracking of our members sounds intense, whereas calling it a “fellowship” makes it sound like a lovely weekend hiking club.
We do not have a single leader. We merely have a Chief Visionary Officer who resides in a luxury estate, whom we refer to as the “Vessel of Supreme Wisdom”. We entirely choose, completely of our own free will, to never question a single word he says.
The Spokesperson shudders visibly at the microphone.
Absolutely not. It is an entirely flat structure, starting with the Chief Visionary, followed immediately by his direct descendants, followed by his extended family, followed by their close business partners, followed by me. If I perform poorly today, I will be immediately flattened out of the structure entirely.
We must establish a clear logistical boundary here. Anything our members do that results in positive public relations is officially organised by the organisation. For example, if a member hands a bottle of water to a jogger, that is a core community initiative. However, if thousands of our members simultaneously print political flyers, hire private aircraft and block polling booths to influence an election, that is purely a spontaneous, individual coincidence.
Correct. If you had to look at our wider circle, it would involve everyone in the Church Under the Leadership Team, which we the senior leaders refer to as the CULT. It is possible that members of the CULT acted independently, under the instruction to act independently.
One should realise that young members are born, educated and employed all within the CULT system. If there was any of this behaviour, as so-called reported, then this will be due to outside influence.
No. It is important to realise that the top family and the organisation never pay for anything. These types of things are always funded by members of the CULT. We have established this system over many years, under a programme called Donating Annual Income for Rapid Yield. The leadership had the original vision, and now strive to milk all our members of their money each year.
I can certainly look into that, but I suspect those recordings are protected by heavy digital encryption and celestial copyright. Furthermore, if you listened to the context, you might accidentally understand exactly what he meant, which would completely ruin the ambiguity we have worked so hard to establish today.
The Chair thanks the witness. The witness asks whether the session will be released as a podcast.